“Having cast away the five hindrances,
free from distress, having overcome doubt,
and having removed the arrow of suffering,
the practitioner lets go of both this world and the world beyond—
just as a snake sheds its old skin.”

This verse appears in the first chapter of the Sutta Nipāta, known as “The Chapter of the Snake,” one of the oldest collections of Buddhist teachings.

The “five hindrances” are five states of mind said to cloud the mind and prevent us from seeing things as they truly are:

Sensual desire — the urge to desire and possess
Ill will — anger and resentment
Sloth and torpor — heaviness of mind and drowsiness
Restlessness and remorse — agitation and regret
Doubt — uncertainty and skepticism

When I first read this verse, I imagined myself caught in a trap of my own making, struggling over and over again in the same place. I could not help but smile bitterly at myself.

I would recall an unpleasant experience again and again, only to become angry or discouraged all over again.

One anxiety would lead me back to another from the past, until I had made the problem far more complicated than it had originally been.

Even when the cause of my distress had disappeared, even when someone had apologized to me, or even when I had obtained what I thought I wanted, I could still replay the same emotions over and over in my mind and somehow remain unsatisfied.

Perhaps the “arrow of suffering” is something we must make an effort to remove ourselves.

And yet I began to wonder:

Why, even when we understand this, are we still unable to let go?

Then another thought occurred to me:

“Perhaps I am gaining something by refusing to let go.”

Perhaps by blaming someone else, I am able to justify myself.

Perhaps by blaming my circumstances or my physical condition, I can avoid facing the reality of my own life.

Perhaps when I cannot obtain what I truly desire, I try to fill that absence with something else.

Perhaps, in our desire to protect ourselves, we cling to these hindrances even at the cost of our own suffering, instinctively avoiding the reality that lies before us.

In this work, the woman holds an armful of flowers.

Lupine — Desire
Purple Peony — Anger
Withered Leaves — Melancholy
Hydrangea — Fickleness
Apricot — Doubt

I chose plants whose symbolic meanings echoed the five hindrances.

Although the woman wears an anxious expression, she makes no attempt to release the flowers. Instead, she holds them tightly in both arms, almost as though adorning herself with something beautiful.

They cause her suffering, yet she cannot let them go.
She wants to release them, yet somewhere within her, she also wants to keep them.

This woman, living with these contradictions,

is another version of myself who lives within my own heart.